A Completely Accurate Status Update on the Government Shutdown

by hari stephen kumar.

This is an absolutely accurate up-to-the-minute status update on what’s going on with the U.S. Government shutdown. The following answers are guaranteed to be true no matter what day it is right now:

Q: Is the government still shutdown?

Yes.

Q: Are Republicans still holding key segments of the country hostage and demanding extreme right-wing policies in exchange for letting the country operate again?

Yes.

Q: Are Republicans still offering to free a few vulnerable and suffering hostages (e.g. veterans’ benefits) as a gesture of goodwill?

Yes.

Q: Are the Republicans still blaming Democrats / Obama for why the country is being held hostage?

Yes.

Q: Can I continue to get a more accurate picture of what’s really going by taking whatever John Boehner or Eric Cantor is saying right now and substituting the word “Republicans” for “Democrats” or “Obama”?

Yes.

Q: Is the press still dutifully repeating whatever Republican leaders say without any fact-checking because the press doesn’t want to be seen as biased?

Yes.

Q: Are the main news outlets like CNN, ABC, etc., still using a template of “he said, she said” to make it seem like there are two parties equally blaming each other here?

Yes.

Q: Can I still rely on Fox News to be saturated with today’s official Republican propaganda talking points?

Yes.

Q: Is the Republican Party still completely hijacked by right-wing extremists?

Yes.

Q: Are my Congressional representatives still behaving like high school students by procrastinating till the last minute and then pulling an all-nighter to put together a desperately incoherent mess and praying that it will get at least a C- in the light of day?

Yes.

Q: Did I just insult high school students by comparing them to Congress?

Yes.

Q: Are enough people saying “enough is enough” about the general ineptitude of our politicians?

Yes.

Q: Do they really mean it?

No.

Q: You mean they will continue to elect these idiots next year?

Yes.

Q: Is our two-party system hopelessly broken?

Yes.

Q: Aren’t there enough sane people in America to elect a third-pa–

HAHAHAHAHAHAHANo.